Should i get offended

Why in the world do we get so easily offended by the actions of others? To be easily offended means that we are resentful, annoyed, even insulted because of the actions or words of another.

The easily offended are often unhappy, frequently complaining and assuming malicious intent instead of accumulating the facts. The reason I can pinpoint this easily offended person is because I used to be her.

Yes, past tense. I still experience moments when I get offended by the actions of others, but I have truly grown in this area. You can, too. You might even find your worth in it. Think about my traffic example. We cannot let our feelings wreak havoc in our lives. Recognize them, but then focus on the facts. In one of my research projects, which is based on more than diary report forms in which participants told me stories of occasions where they felt offended, I discovered that our expectations are usually formed in the context of our relationships with others—and when they are breached, we tend to feel offended.

I call these expectations interpersonal as they make most sense in the context of particular relationships that we have with others. These can roughly be broken down into three different types, according to research by me and others.

That said, we also take offense outside our personal relationships. For example, we may take offense at a comment on Facebook or Twitter that ridicules or questions something which is of importance or value to us, such as our nationality, political stance, or religion.

Our belief in these values may be an important part of our identity, thus giving us a sense of entitlement to take offense because we believe that those values are salient and should be, among other things, respected. As research has shown, our expectations, values, and beliefs are all based on our previous experiences, accumulated throughout our life span.

These are unique to each individual, which explains why people take offense for so many different reasons. This is one of the many reasons there is so much anger and offense on, for example, social media—people constantly take offense at what they think is a breach of their values.

This gets worse when some take it to a nasty level by lashing out in defense of their own values, which ultimately creates a vicious and endless circle of causing and taking offense. So, if you worry about causing offense, try to put yourself in the shoes of the people you are talking to.

What could they realistically expect you to say, and are you treating them fairly? If they always back you up when you get in trouble with the boss, for example, they may be offended if you decline to do the same for them. And similarly, if you feel that you take offense too easily, consider what the offending person may not know about you.

If they make a negative comment about you having a certain type of dog as a pet, rather than spending lots of time being angry about what they said, remember that they might have had some sort of traumatic experience with that animal before. I find your article very helpful and very much what I was looking for. Someone failing to respond, or a lack of attention from an expected source.

My first response is to push not just that one person away, but everyone. I wonder if your list will help, to not just re-adjust my thinking, but to also take away the constant sting that seems to accompany it? Thank you so much for your honesty and desire to do something about it. As you experiment with the ideas, keep two things in mind:.

Not all steps will work equally well for each person. Look through the list and try the ones that feel best to you first. Keep at it. Personal growth can last a lifetime. So stay with it and have fun int he process. Avoid self-condemnation when you stumble. Just take it a day and a step at a time. First-time reader here. I love your list and find every item right on the money. I had an experience a couple of hours ago that caused unexpected pain and is the reason for me seeking out your blog in the first place and made me realize that I still have some healing to do in regards to my now-dissolved marriage of 29 years it was dissolved two years ago.

My ex was very easily offended by many, many things and was one of those who demanded I change my way of being to suit his sensitivities. As a result, I was always walking on eggshells, and that is no way to live. All this to say, the experience I had a couple hours ago brought me right back to what my ex used to do to me and it was like I got the wind knocked out of me.

The dissonance is remarkable…how something I said can be so misconstrued that it has no resemblance whatsoever to my intent and I am left perplexed. I immediately recognized it for what it was and will now distance myself from this person. How do I heal from the pain of having lived with a person like this for so long? What changes in the way I think can I make in regards to any possible future incidents like this? Thank you, Ken. I hope you are still reading these comments.

Dear Ken My name is Guy Buncombe. Every month I send a newletter Hotsheet to several thousand subscribers with a few items of interest, latest jobs, hot candidates etc.

Kind regards, Guy. I would be honored to have the post featured in your newsletter. I hope it proves helpful to your subscribers. The alternative is emotional turmoil and instability. Ken, I just found your page tonight by accident and I will tell you that this article was very timely. I have actually cried about the whole thing and spent the whole day missing them and sure this was the end of things because they tend to run away rather than face emotional issues.

But it took reading your article to remind me of that so thank you so much! I just texted him back and we are talking again. So glad you were able to stumble upon my work here, Silk! What a great comment—you made my day! Offense is easy. So glad to hear you fall into the category of the emotionally mature. Congratulations on being able to take that step and reach out to your friend and heal the relationship. That requires a lot of internal strength, Silk. Some people are just too unhappy in their lives, and they try to make other people low to their own levels, we should try our best to have compassion of these people.

Como Ganhar Dinheiro recently posted … Facebook. Now, when someone offends me,with words and then I know its not right, how can I be thick skinned. Off course it may not be true as of what they said, but what they said is said right. It may not be true but the student takes everything what the teacher says. Everyone has a moral standard and are entitled to have their own standard.

This would make one weaker right? Your reply would will greatly appreciated. You seem to have focused entirely on just one of the 10 points I made. Still, one teacher certainly can do damage. But my article is about not being easily offended. I would be offended if a teacher called my son an idiot. Besides, who would be less affected by an idiot teacher calling him names?

It seems to me that it is the one who is difficult to offend that would most likely blow off what the teacher said to him. I agree with you that we all have the freedom to hold whatever moral values we want to hold. But some values are better than others valuing revenge is not as worthy as valuing forgiveness, for instance. If someone criticizes my values, I can easily reject their opinion. But if I repeatedly get criticized for my values, it would be wise of me to reevaluate those values.

Great challenge, pradeep. I would love to know what you think of my reply. Promise not to go so long before I reply back! NLP principles help so much here, disassociation, the map is not the territory and perception is projection. I think self-acceptance is the key. This is the most difficult for the many people who have been abused — especially if it started in childhood as mine did, from an older sister.

Nice site. When I feel slighted I withdraw verbally, and from others, and just wallow in my feelings. Yet another journey. Hello ken.. I am very easily offended, i expect alot fom anyone ofcourse because i think im always helping people even if they dont want it..

I know i shouldnt expect things from anyone but i do i cant help it. And i get offended very easily.. I am now 55 and still, in spite of therapy over the years, have those feelings of inadequacy always simmering right under the surface. Though I am a successful business women and have a lot of things going for me, my self-esteem is in the toilet. I am easily offended because anything rude, negative or critical someone says to me transports me instantly back to my childhood. Sometimes even the littlest thing will do it.

Some days I handle it better than others. I know that means people walk around on eggshells with me and I hate the thought. I try like crazy to NOT feel this way, but it seems inbred. He sucks it up and still works and travels even in pain. I try to be understanding of him, but he has become a grumpy old man and verbally lashes out at me whenever I offer to help him, suggest something fun to do, whatever.

Or he just grunts a blunt reply. I feel like I am back at 5 years old, myself walking on eggshells attempting the impossible task of trying to please and be accepted for who I am. It perpetuates the simmering just under the surface feelings of inadequacy, shame and dread.

Here are some smart tips on how to stop being easily offended, from the Meant to Be Happy blog. Channel your efforts in constructive ways. Yet in real life, no one seems bothered by it.

People have gotten to the point where they just care way too much about what other people say and think. Hi very well said. Thank you very much for a very informative post. Great Article! I love the test at the beginning.

It actually reveals a lot if we can get easily offended…. As with the exact steps for overcoming this problem, I like all of them but the one at 6: Love Truth more than Being Right, left the biggest impressions on me! This is a great article, thank you. However, with my husband we are newlyweds 8 months in I hang onto his every word, get offended very easily, hold him to high expectations, need constant validity from him that he loves me and will never leave me, immediately assume the worse in tense situations I let my fear thoughts take over , and take myself too seriously around him.

His culture also jokes around a lot and says certain things I would normally consider rude if someone from the US said it to me. He is so amazing of a person that the mere idea of him leaving me gives me a panic attack. I am striving for self-improvement, growth, maturity, grate-fullness and self-awareness.

I am trying to gain inner strength and confidence in the area of my relationship. Self-centeredness is a big one, Ibu. Thanks for adding it. I think more relationships are damaged by selfishness than any other single character flaw. We are all plagued with it to one degree or another, but those who are the most giving without being door mats to others, of course , are the happiest and have the strongest relationships assuming they find partners who are themselves giving people. Now let's see if you […].

Some people are really nice about it. I get easily offended. Plus, getting super offended can show insecurity and a lack of confidence. I think self reflection is important if we notice ourselves getting offended all the time. It is amazing how someone can say something and we can take it totally differently than how they really meant it.

It is amazing how many different perspectives people can have in this world. Learning about personality types and the four temperaments also helps me feel less offended because I can see how different people view the world. Not everyone is viewing things the way I am. And the different perspectives make life more interesting. I like your tip to assume a benevolent motive and also the one to accept imperfection. Sometimes I can really hold people to high standards and myself , but the reality is nobody is perfect.

Assuming a benevolent motive helps me to let go of anger. This can be really bad especially if the other person is trying to move past that and change their ways. Another thing is if I am offended all the time then people might stop acting genuine around me.

They will feel constantly worried about offending me and stop saying what they want and doing what they want. The whole walking on eggshells thing. But if we want them to be genuine they need to know they are free and safe around us. I also think if we are in a relationship and get our feelings hurt we could just tell the person that it really hurt our feelings and just be open and honest.

Imagine a world where we could just feel free to be ourselves. Too many of us put up walls after being hurt in the past. I am so glad I found your website after being away from it for a while! I forgot how good it was! So much wisdom in your comment, Mia. I think your way of handling your offense is about perfect. We can talk ourselves down from feeling offended, reminding ourselves to be less judgmental about what others are saying and allowing them to hold opinions and feelings different from our own, then letting go.

Our offense is more about our interpretation of what is said and our inclination to personalize it than the actual content of what others say. I also like that you recognize the importance of stepping away from the offense so others can feel free to be real with you. That says a lot about you, Mia. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Your comment definitely added to the message! ALL offense begins in us. If we are offended, it is because there is something in us that is un healed.

No one can offend us, we react to what is IN US. Brilliant insight, Sonya. So some people start flinching whenever others get even a little bit close to touching the rawness of the wound. The average person? But good parents likely spend a lot more of that time focused on their kids. And then there are the Mother Teresa types. Happy people have found that acts of service adds happiness to their lives. But the secret is to do the service with decreasing thought for or about yourself.

The more you can truly serve from an altruistic lace of compassion and love, the deeper the resulting happiness will be. I have a girlfriend we have dated for more than a year. This girl easily gets offended to little things. All she does is assume things are okay and points out that am the cause of issues in our relationship. I dont know how to handle her without hurting her feelings. Please help. Am leone from kenya. Research have found that stronger private connections help improve your well being and your longevity.

By seeing how others behave, will give us a lot of lessons to improve themselves in order to become more mature and are not easily offended. The more insight we get in this life will give us a lot of choices to be. And the attitude of the most important is the attitude that makes us always comfortable among people around us. I think the most important here could easily be humility. This is a beautiful piece, loved it! I had this experience where I offended a person and only realised this indirectly, which resulted me being alienated from his group of friends.

I want to point out the need to be direct to avoid further misunderstanding and reconciliation of differences. Otherwise if I cannot change to the circumstances by speaking out how can I expect others to understand. Safe to say, I have taken hits and I have thrown hits as well but I am human not free from making mistakes. But remember, the article is about being too easily offended, not about being appropriately offended.

I would like to add to this whole conversation that there is an epidemic of people who truly set out to offend you, ruin your day and try to mess your life up for no reason other than just because.

There are plenty of dangerous people out there and that danger comes in all forms. To the point where people thought that they could treat me any which way. I was always putting myself in their shoes. I realized that there were some things that I certainly should have not only have gotten offended over, but things I should have spoke up about.

I think in this day in age, your advice is not relevant to this generation of people. It kind of reminds me of what parents, teachers, etc. It made us feel further all alone. However, with all that being said, I do agree with you that there are people out there who are hyper sensitive to everything. This would be a better article if we can find a balance between it all.

Because we have to demand some respect in this world or people will literally walk all over you and eat you up, even the best of people. It seems to be no middle ground here. Hi Liz. So sorry it took so long for me to reply to your comment. My blog got drowned in the sea of other projects I was working on the last couple years or so and M2bH got very little of my attention as a result.

So maybe I can make it here as a reply to your thoughtful comments. But that in no way means that I would stand for abuse of any kind for any reason. Putting ourselves in others shoes is a good way to understand them, to empathize with them, to not judge them too harshly.

But it is never an excuse to accept their abuse. My article should not be misconstrued as an endorsement of either abuse or support of the idea that the abused should just grin and bear it. There is no middle ground in accepting abuse or bullying or any other kind of inappropriate behavior. We teach others how to treat us as we accept or reject others ill treatment. Abuse is immoral.

Never accept immoral behavior from anyone. Stand against it. Do not accept it. Stop engaging in it, if that ever becomes a temptation. My article was about learning not to be hypersensitive if hypersensitivity is robbing you of happiness.

It was never intended to cover all aspect of all ancillary issues related to the topic. To reiterate, if someone is brutally offensive, stand up to the cad. If they are mildly offensive, dismiss them, but don;t walk around with a chip on the shoulder, waiting to be offended, looking for something to be offended about. Never accept the abuse. But remember the title of the article.

Thank you so much for making me clarify. Great comment, Liz. My clarification was needed. Wow, Ken. I read your 10 tips and really appreciate them. I am one of those easily offended. It seems that my feelings really only get severely hurt when the offence comes from someone that really means something to me. Who cares what a stranger thinks? It only matters to me what my friends and associates think about me. I see now that I need to think more about what I think of me rather than what others think.

My personal sensitivity comes from the results of years of child abuse and a very unfortunate tough life.

I do however have a bit of advice for everyone. The human brain does not like being wrong! This is both on a conscious and unconscious level. The unconscious being more difficult to control. When dealing with anyone, avoid trying to correct or criticize them. Say things in a way that does not criticize people and for the most part you will refrain from hurting people. No one likes or takes criticism easily. It is a natural subconscious reaction by the brain. I am just either hypersensitive or people are offending me because they dont like me.

I told someone that my son had been in a car accident. She accidently dials my number and I can hear her telling someone that my son had been in a car accident and that I have severe consequenses coming my way. I had a cofee visit with this same person who picked up a stranger and didnt bother to return my texts asking her if we still meeting That day instead she spent the day with a stranger.

I have a sister who left me out the day that her son was born but now that her boyfriends family doesnt care for her son she started including me into his life. I take very deep offense to these things. Thanks for sharing this. I get offended all the time and way too easily. I end up taking justice into my own hands. I will call them out and in the end it offends them or angers them. My whole life, since I been born I have had the worst life.

Was abused, abandoned, neglected and sexually assualted as child and my life has been hard ever since. I have a lot of hate in my heart for man as I been hurt so much.

I blame my past. I blame God for the start I had in this life. I wish I was nurtured and loved. Maybe I would be a better person today. I asshamed of who I am. People anger me so much. I have no patience. I top think I would be happy as a cop. Probably too happy.

I take matters into my hands way too often and it gets me into troue trying to get justice. I feel crazy sometimes, well most times and people would probably think I am. I hate who I am and who I have become. Sad part is I have a baby on the way and just want to be a good mom. I want to be free. I just randomly googled why do I get offended so easily and this page came up and glad I came across it.

I get so hurt because I know people think I am messed up and truthfully they are righg but I get treated poorly because of it and it just keeps re confirming the lie in me that I suck and that I am worthless.

I get judged by the way I dress and everything. It sucks being me but I want to be free. Anyone seeing this please pray for me. I am sad that god created me. I sometimes resent him for creating me. Why create me so I live a tortured life? You know what I am saying? It feels like a waste of a life. At least He could have given me a better life or better looks or confidence instead of sending me to a world with all odds against me. I feel like I live in a world with Sharks!!

Anyways thanks for sharing this. Such a great article! Thank you. I hope you are able to work things out. The most important thing one can do with new insight is to act on that insight, take care of the problems, find viable, moral, adequate solutions. Funny thing — being offended is a great conversation starter — people share their most recent instance of being offended and then compare how insensitive other people are. The rough spot can be trying to figure out how to stop being offended, how to develop the resiliency.

You and I may have no problem with it. But for one already easily offended, trying to get from where they are to where you are can prove to be challenging indeed.

Thanks for your thoughts, Bren! I found your post is really helpful to me because I do aware that I am a easily offended person. I really like your point on reframing the offenders clumsiness on how they re express their feeling and thoughts.

It is really frustrating sometimes when we have a thought and judgement about a situation we were in and not being able to drawn out the right conclusion because of the agenda or our negative thinking patterns. Being able to find this article is a huge step on having more understanding about human behaviours.

Hi Ken, thank you for a very insightful article. I think though that it only takes care of half the picture. I found it searching for ways of dealing with actual verbally hostile behaviour, a scenario very common nowdays unfortunately where the person has real and clear intentions of offending, degrading, despising, mocking, etcetera for whatever unfair and undeserved reason, and talks accordingly. Me, I can say whatever and will continue as I please….

Maybe material for another article? Our emotions are our own! This means being offended is a choice you make, this might not be the popular opioin but its the truth kids! Hi guys I am in a dilemma. As I am growing older 45years old , I seem to distance from anyone and everyone who I feel they have hurt me.

My mum, says I take things too seriously. She gets involved with my matter, even when I say something to her and tell her to keep it under her belt, but she goes the opposite and tells that person that had been involved in upsetting me directly or indirectly.

I have received a lot of pain from various people. These are all good tips, what i also would suggest is to look on youtube for some stand up comedy shows about the thing you are easily offended about. Also look for some meme websites about your sensitivity. I need to warn you, you could be wind up really fast, but i think the overload of jokes about the subject makes you put it perspective much faster.

Great article! I can personally relate to a lot of the tips you mentioned, especially in respect to accepting the imperfections of others. As I have been prone to hold a couple of people to very high standards that they unfortunately could not meet. I did this subconsciously though, and was getting frequently disappointed. Luckily my husband noticed this and pointed it out to me.

Still a work in progress though. For although we are not our thoughts, what we think affects how we behave. I really appreciate all these important steps to learning how to not be offended as much and to learn how to accept yourself. I am a highly sensitive person, and I always get extremely angry very easily when people tell me the brutal truth of situations I put myself in. I respect him dearly for it, but it makes it more difficult on my end to learn how to step back and take a second before lashing out and getting offended by something even if my feelings were never to be intentionally hurt.

I just get so angry, scared and overwhelmed. I know I can someday.. I just want to learn how I can remember in the moment to take a step back. Any advice? Thank you for reading.

Cancel Reply. Do others say you make mountains out of mole hills? Do you frequently take things the wrong way? If so, your hypersensitivity is robbing you of happiness.

So let them have it … cheerfully! How have you grown thicker skin? Have you found any of these suggestions helpful? What advice would you give someone who is easily offended? Are there other ways of letting go that would help? First Name. To Stand Still is to Sink in the ever changing current of life. The Incredible Power of Words. Failure is What You Make of it.

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I just need help. Gert Weston said : Reply. Justin Spiritual Development said : Reply. Good to see you again, my friend!